Writing Assignment - Write Badly (no problem!)

All right Stewart, I had some time at work this afternoon, here's my go at writing badly. I hope it is stinky enough for you!

Lost and Found
The holidays were no fun for someone with holes in his pockets. Though, like a Grecian urn, the turkey glistened in the center of the table, and though the stuffing tantalized his nose, smelling of all the promises of heaven, and even though his mother from scratch had made his favorite pie for dessert, he could do nothing but cry. It was gone. His pride, his treasure, his reason for living, disappeared into the ether like clouds into a sunset sky. Reduced by awful, inhumane, cruel fate into nothing but a smear, a smidgen, the tiniest of a speck of a memory. His joie de vivre was nothing now but a joke. No angel could dance on the infinitesimally small pinhead that was his heart without the precious reminder of all that was good in his world.
Could it be only that very fateful morning in which he placed that beautiful object so carefully in his jacket pocket? It felt like a lifetime. He vividly remembered that inauspicious moment, and doubted the scar would ever fade from his heart. How could he have been so careless? He berated himself over and over for the sheer stupidity that led him to put such a delicate burden in such an insecure place. He sat at the table surrounded by feasting and merrymaking in a haze of self-loathing that no electric knife could slice, that no Ginsu could ever cut. Reliving over and over that morning as he got dressed, he cursed his hand each time as it opened that pocket.
“No! Put it back in the drawer! It’s safe in the drawer! You don’t need to bring it with you, I swear, PUT IT BACK!!!” His heart cried, to no avail.
He had been in such a cheerful mood that morning. He was looking forward to spending time with his family, all of the cousins aunts and uncles were coming for the feast, even the ones that lived on the other side of the country. He fancied that they were all coming to see him, because his parents had bragged so much about the wonderful thing he had, and he couldn’t wait to show it off! He had saved for months to buy it, putting away every last penny he could find, even the ones he found in the cushions of the couch! He slowly reached into his pants pocket and drew out the advertisement, and unfolded it carefully. The folding creases were permanently driven into the paper, from the many times he had taken it out to wonder and dream over the day when it would be his. Only yesterday had he finally made the journey to the store to purchase it. He had hopped out of the car and practically ran to the door, raced through the aisles until he found it. He was dancing from one foot to the other while he waited in line, and once he got back to the car with his package, cardboard flew as he opened it up and finally held it in his hand. It was his at last!
And now it was gone. Someone else had probably found it by now and taken it home. He doubted they would treasure it as much as he had. “Probably ruin it, drop it on the floor and step on it”, he muttered to himself.
Suddenly, a ray of sunshine appeared in his vision. His aunt was bending over him, holding something in her hand. “I think you lost this, sweetie,” she said. “Try to be more careful next time, ok?” She opened her hand and held it out to him. It was true! She had found it!
“Thank you, Aunt Ellie, thank you thank you thank you!!”
He bounced jubilantly out of his chair and danced all the way around the table, holding aloft his prized possession. Then he stopped, looked lovingly down at it in his hand, got down on all fours, and did another lap of the table, this time on his knees. Spongebob Squarepants to the rescue in his super-sweet hum-vee! Hooray! All was once again right with the world.