Thursday, November 09, 2006

Adoption

This is something that has been on my mind quite a bit in recent months. I've already started and canceled 3 blog posts about it because I wasn't sure if I was comfortable posting about something that is very personal to me. But I've been encouraged at least in part by my mother-in-law's story about finding her lost friend, and other posts she has made about things that are very personal to her. That, and I figure you don't ever gain anything by risking nothing. So here goes.
I was born on February 13, 1978 at Blodgett Hospital in Grand Rapids, Michigan, to a woman I have never met. She was 17 at the time, and probably scared to death, yet very much in love with her daughter. So much so that in order to give her a better life, she gave her over into the hands of the D.A. Blodgett Home for Children to be adopted by a family that could provide for her. I was adopted in April of that year by two wonderful people, who did indeed give me the kind of childhood and life that my birth mother hoped for. I was able to go to college, and have (as I previously mentioned) secured a great job that is in turn providing for my own children. There's only one hole in my heart, one that I am becoming desperate to fill. I want, more and more with each passing day, to find my birth mother and, if nothing else, thank her for the wonderful opportunities she gave me on that day she gave me up. I have spoken to the people at the Blodgett Home, and they sent me several forms that I can file with the state to help put me in contact with members of my birth family. I send them to Lansing, and then if any other members of my birth family have filed similar papers, the state will send me their information so that I can contact them. But there's a problem.
I am scared to death of rejection. Every time I come up with the money to send in my forms, my resolve falters, and I just can't do it. As much as I want to look my birth mother in the eyes, there is a deep abiding fear in me of what those eyes will tell me. Will they say "I have always loved you and wondered what became of you, I am so truly happy to finally get to see you" or "Please go away, I don't want to remember that part of my life, it was painful and difficult, and I have moved on"? I hope so hard that it will be the first one, but I don't know if I could bear the heartache if it was the second.
So this is my compromise to myself. I will start small here, and keep trying to work up the courage to send in those forms. I ask you all please, if you know someone or are someone who let go their little blue-eyed, blonde-haired baby back in 1978, talk to me. If you know someone or are someone who is going through this same dilemma, talk to me. If you know someone or are someone who has accomplished this goal I am having so much trouble trying to reach, talk to me. Email me if you don't want to leave a comment here. Thanks.

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18 fellow footsteps:

Sara said...

Good luck! Even if you don't get the response you hope for, remember I and a lot of others love you!!!

CarolinVA said...

Good luck, sweetie! It's a hard decision to make. I would like to make one point as someone that was having children during that time... In 1978 she had other - far easier - options open to her. She chose to give you life and a chance to live a beautiful one.

And another point... how do you know there aren't already papers waiting for you? How do you know she isn't feeling the same way? Worried that you might be angry and not want to see her. Sending in the papers isn't making a commitment of anything. It is just opening the door a crack.

Just something to think about. Only your heart can help you make the decision. And I'm sure it will be the right one for you.

I'm just a friend - with a big shoulder! And always willing to listen.

Barb said...

Oh geez.. I know how hard this was for you to do. I have tears in my eyes. Keep building up your courage. I think it's something you'll need to do.. knowing you like I do. It doesn't reflect poorly on your parents, or us the in-laws. There's a hole in your heart that wants to be filled. God speed in your search.

Mike said...

Wow. I understand your fears on this. It can be a big step in life. I hope your heart guides you to the right thing for you to do. Remember though, it won't change the way we feel about you one way or the other. May God be with you in this time.

Michelle said...

Good luck in your decision making process. I can't even begin to understand how you feel or what you're going through, so I don't have much advice. But, I am here to listen.

Chelle Y. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Wooden Porch said...

Wow, that would be so hard.

My aunt adopted two baby boys--different times. One of the birth moms wrote her son a birthday letter every year. I don't think my aunt gave them to him, she was planning on saving them until he was older. My aunt also wrote her once a year and gave her an update on my cousin.

My aunt died when that little boy was 10, so I don't know what came of it all.

Have you heard of Owlhaven? She may be a good person to email about this. I'm sorry I don't have a link to her blog here. There is one of the sidebar of my blog. She's adopted 4 children. Though they are from out of the country, she may understand what you are going through since she'll have to deal with that with her children some day.

Is it possible that you can write your birth mom a letter before you see her or talk to her?

Jessie said...

I came to visit via Barb's blog. I am adopted and have a good relationship with all of my parents. I met my birthmom when I was 16, 10 years ago now. She is my friend. I have a mom that raised me and loved me and she will always be my mom. But my birthmom is my mirror, I look just like her and she is a dear friend. I'm so grateful I took the steps to find her. It was a difficult journey and was a scary time. Our relationship can still be difficult as there are many emotions involved. But I have no regrets about finding her. Good luck to you!

SQT said...

I was adopted in 1969. I've always wondered a little bit, but have never really tried to find my birth mother. Her situation was similar in that she was 19, single and unable to care for a baby. She was pregnant with twins so she had a double whammy. My brother didn't survive, but still it would have been hard.

I have a cousin who was also adopted and his birth mother found him. His story illustrates the downside of finding your birth family. His mother was mentally unstable and it really through him off. Seriously, he's never been the same.

I don't want to put a damper on your choice, I face it too. But if I know one thing it's that families come with different baggage and you'll be faced with two families worth. That's one of the things that's always held me back.

But whatever you choose, I wish you luck and happiness.

Anonymous said...

i had a son at 14 and gave him up that was 11 years ago and i feel like you scared i want to find him in 10 years when he is 21 but i dont want him to hate me so i am sooo scared i would go for it im hoping he will want to find me as well

Anonymous said...

sorry i did not put my name you all know me im just not ready for everyone who knows me to know my story yet

Pat said...

I was adopted when I was 9 months old. Had lived with a foster family prior to that.
I'm not sure how old my birth parents were when I was born, but have been told that they already had other children, and weren't prepared (I guess financially) for another one.
I know the name I was given prior to my "real" name, not sure who gave it to me (the agency or possibly the foster family).
I've considered trying to locate my birth parents, but have no idea how to go about it, plus just don't quite have the guts to do it.
I applaud you for having the courage and strength and wish you the best of luck in your adventure.

Lee said...

Wow, such a moving post. I don't have any experience with adoption but I would ask one question. Which would be worse, a) the rejection or b) never knowing? Both answers are completely valid. One will be right for you. Once you know the answer, you'll know what to do.

I wish you happiness and closure.

zorak163 said...

I wish you the best. I knew someone who went through a difficult family situation (she had never met her dad) and had even found an address for him after years of searching but then did nothing with it.

Bond said...

HI I came by way of THE CARNIVAL.

What a difficult decision to make. I am going to look around and see if you have posted more on this subject.

Thanks for sharing..I hope something good had come out of it.

Skittles said...

Nice people, these bloggers.

Han said...

A friend of my mums got in contact with her birth mother, she was lucky, she didn't do it through the authorities and its turned out really well for her.

Personally I dont know if I could blog my story, I'm also adopted, its slightly more complicated for me though.

I admire your courage for posting it, and if you do find your birth mother please do get in contact, I'd love to find out how it went.

sairon said...

Good luck! And by the way, why were you so scared about posting any personal information? I think, blogs were created especially for the reasons of comunicating people talking about everything (not onluy about weather, but about every aspect of our impersonal and personal life). Distant comunication makes you feel in safety, feel just normal about everything. I hope it'll help you to open your mind to anybody you want.